In one of my first sales jobs, the company wisely knew the importance of sales training and coaching. One such development programme the company set up was a ‘Sales Buddy’ system. For one day per quarter, the younger, greener sales reps would be accompanied in the field by an older more experienced sales professional. I can still remember my ‘sales buddy’ and our trips out. I also still remember and practise much of his sage advice. In particular, I remember him telling me the epitaph ‘be happy but not content.’
The pursuit of happiness
My young mind strove to make sense of this apparent contradiction. If you pursue happiness, then you will reach a state of contentment. Then I would be happy. So surely the motive for pursuing goals is to become happy?
Pick any goal you can think of, for example to become financially free. By questioning why you want this goal you will come to a final answer of happiness.
‘Why do I want to be financially free?’
‘So, I can do the work I want to do.’
‘Why?’
‘So, I can fulfil my purpose.’
‘Why?’
Now it starts to get difficult to answer. The answers become increasingly abstract:
‘So I can be the person I want to be.’
Eventually you cannot answer the question, other than by saying ‘so I will be happy’.
But pursuing happiness for its own sake is a fool’s errand. You will never become happy by pursuing happiness. This is an example of the Law of Reverse Effort, which I describe in my post The Three Laws of Suggestion. In this post I talk about falling in love with the process of achieving goals, rather than the actually end result.
What makes us unhappy.
So, if we can’t achieve happiness by achieving goals and material possessions, we can avoid the things that make us unhappy. Everyone has a list of things that make them unhappy and they will be unique to you. For me personally here are some of the things that make me unhappy, that I have control over. The list doesn’t include things that I have no control over, like the weather, catching a cold or my football team losing.
- Not moving forward on my goals
- Not having a purpose
- Things being a mess
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Disagreements and misunderstandings
- Bad memories
- Worry
- Feeling lethargic
This is not an exhaustive list and you could add a few things of your own. But what you can see from this list is that you are in control of these things and none of them are terminal. What I mean by that is that they are transitory. For instance, if I feel lethargic, I can quickly pull myself out of this state of ennui by going for a run or just having a brisk walk.
In other words, these are feelings of discontent. I am not content with the current situation.
Not content
Feeling discontent is a natural healthy state. Its nature’s way of getting us to do something. This could be simply to focus on gratitude, rather than bad memories and worry. It could also be to tidy up if my environment is a mess.
So here is the paradox. The pursuit of happiness is pointless, but removing discontent stops us from being unhappy. Logically, then, not feeling content, but acting to remove that discontent, will result in happiness. We should therefore embrace the fact that not being content is acceptable. Happiness will come by acting to remove the discontent, all the while accepting that more discontent will arise. We are then in a never-ending loop of being happy but not content.
Happy but not content – the middle way
Rather than allowing discontent to manifest into full-blown unhappiness here are some things I strive for to remove discontent.
Moving forward and striving for goals
I feel happy when I’m aiming for a goal and making progress to that goal. The goal can be anything, short or long term. It can also be in any area of my life, but it comes from a place of not being content with the present. Maybe I’ve put a few pounds on after Christmas, so my goal will be to get back to my pre-festive weight, by cutting out some empty calories and moving more. I am happy when I see the ounces drop.
Fixing what’s broken
Look around the home. Are there any dripping taps, light bulbs that need replacing or broken fence panels? Walking past these sorry items makes me unhappy. Not in an overt way, but it’s like the dripping tap, with its slow drip, drip, drip to the soul. Get them fixed and you suddenly feel lighter.
Tidying up
The same can be said for a messy office and desk. Papers and books piled up, inboxes overflowing. It’s a drain on your psyche. If I’m feeling overwhelmed or filled with ‘meh’, often just tidying up can get the creative juices flowing. The motivation to strive comes after the event of tidying.
Developing yourself
Here’s a tricky one. How can you be not content with yourself, whilst not succumbing to negative self-talk? Be happy and grateful for who you are and what you have. You can still recognise that there are areas you can develop. You don’t need to go all-in on spending money on courses and training, although do that if there is a specific qualification you want. Just writing a simple journal entry every day will help you gain perspective. Celebrate the wins and see how you can improve further.
Maintaining relationships
Time flies, it really does. Our home security contractor contacted me the other day, to arrange an appointment to service our alarm; he does it once a year. I told him he’d only just done it.
‘No.’ he said. ‘That was last March and yours is due next month.’
I couldn’t believe it. When was the last time I’d been in contact with my friends? Yikes. Or what about family members? People usually drift apart usually not because of some big falling out, but because life gets in the way. The clocks tick round. Days become months and months become years.
Make a reminder to catch up with an old friend. You’ll feel better and so will they.
Contributing
No man is an island, except if you’re the Isle of Man. The isolation from working from home can make people unhappy. Complete isolation can shorten lifespans. We all know this. We were all in a live experiment around this, in 2020/21.
Even just doing work for just the money can be unfulfilling. I write this blog, for my own benefit, but hopefully dear reader you are getting some benefit.
Happiness is a biproduct
Happiness is a biproduct of pursuing other things and it is not in the achievement of those goals that makes you happy. It is the actual pursuit of the goals, that makes you happy. I feel happy when I am training for a marathon. The feeling of euphoria when I complete the marathon evaporates quickly, believe me.
Discontent comes from a place of things not being quite right now. This then, should motivate you to change something.
I think where people go wrong is to focus on getting happiness now and therefore being in a permanent state of unhappiness as they chase the wrong things. At the same time, they are still discontent as they are noticing what’s not right now. A double whammy. I’m not happy and things aren’t right.
The trick then is to walk the middle way. The tightrope walk of feeling discontent whilst doing the things to alleviate the discontent. All this, whilst at the same time realising that things will never be perfect and being happy about that.