How does the Universe really work? Now there’s a question for you then.
What we think happens.
Scene: Ordinary semi-detached house, Manchester, UK – December 21st, 2018.
Weather: Cloudy 2°C
The postman delivers a brown envelope through the letter-box. Plop. It lands on the chestnut laminated flooring. The dog barks. All is well in the world.
Me: “HMRC, what’s this. A cheque? Yes an actual cheque, a 2 grand tax rebate. Woo hoo.”
Just then there’s a horrific clanging, scraping metallic noise coming from the kitchen. The Worcester Bosch breathes its last. There’s one last thump and a clunk and then silence.
Me: “oh for f… ”.
Approximately two hours later.
Me to my iPhone: ”How much? Eighteen hundred? “
“What a new flue as well. Is that included in the eighteen hundred?”
“Ok? So nineteen fifty in total for the new boiler and flue? “
“Ok let’s do it then. When can you make it?”
“Great. Thanks mate. See you then.”
I jab the red circle on the screen and I make sure the call to my plumber has ended before I let rip. The dog learns some new words and all is definitely not well in the world.
Easy come, easy bollocking go.
What really happens.
…three days earlier, somewhere else in the Universe.
Simon the Guardian Angel into his iPhone: “Sir, there’s a code red on a Combi Boiler, Manchester, UK. She can’t take it anymore, she’s gunna blow”
“Yep”
“No sir”
“1982”
“Yeah, I know, it’s a miracle innit”
“No, you can’t get the parts now”
“No, he’s totally skint. Not a bean. Christmas and all that.”
“I’m not sure, a couple of days. Three tops.”
“Ok thanks Sir. Shall we go for the old HMRC method again? Works every time? We’ll need to move quickly, though.”
“Excellent, I’ll get the cheque authorised right away.”
That’s how I believe it really happened.
I will try to accept the things I can’t control.